In 30 days, I’ve written so many things about you - some were repeated because I couldn’t express it enough.

And even though this challenge to myself ends today, just remember this - I love you, and in my heart I am writing about you, writing to you, 24/7.

Just be the hand I could hold on to.
Just be the person I could run to.
Just be you.

Hold my heart, hold it still. Put your rough fingers around it and hold on tight - but not too tight, you wouldn’t want to stop the beating. Make sure that it’s neatly enveloped, but leave some space for it to breathe and catch sunlight.

As you hold it, feel it pulsate and study the rhythm - each lub and dub is important - and make it your own, let your heart follow the beat of mine.

Hold my heart, hold it still. Hold it like your life depended on it, and if you want to let it go, please be careful.

I just wish that every word I say actually heals your ache, every kiss on your forehead would lessen the pain. Because right now, with distance between us, words of comfort are all I can give - a small effort on trying to save your sanity.

But I wish for that day to come - when I would actually be taking care of you. Giving you medicine and serving you breakfast in bed.

Remember when we saw The Adjustment Bureau - the day we decided to be not just you and me, the day we decided to be us - and we realized how we could’ve been “adjusted.”

And we might have been adjusted, to meet on the afternoon of December 26, 2011, to decide to walk a fairly far distance and sit at a place we now call “the spot”, to decide to stay friends for the first three months. Things like that.

When I look back at every little detail, I sometimes regret doing those things to you - but when reality pulls me back to the 23rd hour, 6th minute, and 49th second of today, I just think and imagine the men in fedoras and perfectly fitted suits, clicking and swiping across their notebooks to keep our paths together.

You are the sun that remains warm behind the rain clouds, you are the last piece of the puzzle the completes the whole picture.

And if I were to lose everything else, to have you would be enough.

As I waded through the waters, my feet covered only by my socks soaking wet, I thought of you - and how worried you might be, how frustrating it is to think that after 6 hours, I am still out, trying hard to get home as fast as I can.

I hope you understand my situation - how little decisions I make lead to one thing and another - I was headed home, with you in my heart, whether it is 2am or not.

I have a new favorite thing to do: watching a movie with you asleep by my side, my arms around you, and sipping a cup of hot Milo.

Even if my day is empty, you seem to find a way to fill every single piece of space in it.

I just want you to understand that it’s not a requirement, it’s volitional.

When the rest of the world fades away, and nothing is left but you and me, I always take the chance to focus on you. Opening my eyes up to f/1.4 and capturing every movement like I’m seeing 4000 frames per second, getting the clearest picture whether I’m in ISO100 or even ISO3600, and white balance doesn’t matter - you look good in any shade (pun intended).

And I keep everything in my head, even in my backup disk - raw and post processed files, the moments I spend with you and every little detail, adding a few light leaks and undertones here and there.

I would gladly erase unnecessary files to make more space for you, but sure enough, I’ll never run out of high-quality, uncompressed, and ready to print images of you in my head - and even in my backup disk.

You leave me speechless - every time you look me in the eyes, words flush out of my mind in a snap.

And I’m left with you, your eyes, and the moment.

Whoever said that you’re not good enough, or you’re not worth the time, or you’re not “all that”, or you’re not hot, or you’re not handsome, or you’re not superstar material, or you’re not perfect…let me correct them right now.

Because, to me, you are always good enough - more than enough, even. To me, you’re worth every little second, because when I’m with you, there’s no dull moment - even the silence between our words are worth it. To me, you’re all that, the one and only. To me, you’re hot - hotter than the sun. To me, you’re handsome - with that smile, you defy the definition of “handsome”. To me, you’re a superstar - shining brightly every time. To me, you are perfect. I wouldn’t want anybody else.

I want you to know that I am happy, despite the delay of the celebration - to have spent 3 months together with you (six months in totality).

Happy 3rd.

As the moon started to change color, your voice mellowed down. As if trying to imitate the change, your voice sounded sleepy.

We didn’t drop the line, and you were there, breathing heavily. With sighs and aah’s of various tones, it was a magnificent timbre altogether.

Let me be frank: I melt in every second you breathe in and out - the most wonderful thing in my life, as if all the Japanese movies I’ve seen came to life. You and me on the phone and miles apart, yet I still hear you breathing heavily on the other line. It was like you’re asleep right under my arm.