065

For the past few days, I’ve had too much cigarettes, and not enough sleep. My dried eyes protest against the sun, yet all I can do is squint into a narrower vision of about f/22. And with every opportunity, I slip out a stick and my lighter and let the dried tobacco be my stopwatch for roughly ten minutes. Squint, hit, breathe.

For the past few hours, I’ve had too much food, and not enough exercise. My muffin top belly crying in desperation for a workout, yet all I can do is daydream about situps of about 5 reps. And with every opportunity, I grab a spoon and shove food down my mouth for further processing. Bite, chew, swallow.

For the past few minutes, I’ve had too much enlightenment, and not enough braincells. My brain spilling out idea after idea after idea, yet all I can do is photoshop my way into a creative overflow often resulting to trash. And with every opportunity, I grab the mouse and click away making brush strokes similar to that of Dali. Click, drag, delete.

And for the past few seconds, I’ve had too much of the moment, and not enough time. Tick, tock, tick.

064

Loud music playing in the background as I imagine us in a movie scene. Speakers blasting guitar riffs and drum beats while lights flicker in colors: red, blue, green, and the whole color spectrum in a split second as if your image was an on-screen 3D movie. Strobes flash as you sway to the music, eyes closed, in a motion much like that of a stop-motion video.

I can feel fireworks explode in my lungs with every hit of the cigarette. My thoughts drifting around the vicinity clinging tightly to the cool breeze, wrapping around you. And in an instant, the lights burn out and the music stops - darkness, silence.

My eyes panic, hunting the darkness for a slight glimpse of you, but nothing breaks the darkness. A sudden spark of light and there you were, still swaying, slowly burning the night away. Another spark of light and you were gone.

The lights burn out and the music stops - darkness, silence.

063

All we can share for now are hugs and kisses imagined in distance - yet it feels real. I am here, in the same spot where you found me through that telescope, waiting for the chance to follow a path to where you are - hoping that you would still be there when I get to the end.

All we can do now is find a spot where our ends might meet, and take it from there. Molding our edges until we fit snugly, locking in place wishing it would stay on until the end. Even if the world crumbles, we would never let go - or until fate commands it so.

All we can feel now would be our own two hand, holding on to the other - in my head, one hand belongs to you; you in vice versa. Wishing that the pillow in our embrace would mold into a silhouette of each other’s bodies.

All we can wish for now is each other.

062

I felt each drop as they hit my skin, cold pinpricks pouring heavily upon me yet I find it relaxing. The feeling of everything just falling off of me, all my worries, all my troubles, they just fall to the ground. I shiver, yet I managed to smile - because nothing feels better than having the weight of the world off my shoulders…and what made it better was that you were there.

Like a kid running around in the rain, stomping on puddles making big splashes, smiling as it all happens. I was happy, but nothing could do better than the smile on your face - in bliss. It was the perfect setting, you in the middle of a dark street getting soaked by the hard rain, not caring about tomorrow.

And there I was, standing behind you, watching you. Spinning counterclockwise wishing that time would slow down, wishing that the morning would never come - because it only means one thing. I feared for the daylght to come, as I kept praying that God would grant me a few more hours of night and rain.

Yet we can’t stop time. Hello there, sunshine.

061

Let’s hope for the most wonderful ending anyone could ever have. The kind of ending that would break all box office records and overturn any viral video. The kind of ending that doesn’t say “see you later” but gives a definite “goodbye” with clarity that we shall never return again.

Let’s hope for the most wonderful story anyone could ever have. The kind of story that everyone would wish they lived our lives instead. The kind of story that would outsell all works of writing - fiction or non-fiction.

Let’s hope for the most wonderful beginning anyone could ever have. The kind of beginning that would erase the first pages of any story that ever existed. The kind of beginning that every person in the world would wish that their story started that way.

By then we would have no regret of something we never had.

060

I can still remember that afternoon when I fell in love with you. I don’t think we can call it love, but would it count when I say my heart skipped too much beats, I almost had a heart attack. Since then on, I just fell even deeper - from one moment to another, everything just pulled me closer to you.

Intended or not, every little thing I do depended on you. You are the cause to my consequences, the gravity behind my dominoes falling one by one. Even if I tell myself that the message isn’t just crossing through, instead of pulling on the brakes, I keep stepping on the gas and I just speed through other things just to get to you.

I can only move when I see the signal, when I feel that you’re dictating the next stage. I’m giving everything for something I have no idea of its worth, yet I’m willing to lose it all just so I can say that at least I tried. I’m just waiting for the light to change, just waiting for the signal to proceed.

Just one word would change it all.

059

Do you believe in karma? In doing good gets you good and doing bad gets you bad. I’d rather believe in balance - that in getting good, you should expect something bad; and in getting bad, you should expect something good. It’s the way nature goes, just like how someplace could be scorching hot right now and freezing cold someplace else.

Do you believe in religion? In something infinite who created all creators. I’d rather believe in leadership - that in leading, people will follow; and in following, there will be someone leading. It’s the way society goes, just like how a pop culture icon creates an image of a generation.

Do you believe in love? In expressing emotions of great adoration. I’d rather believe in affection - that in giving, someone in need will receive; and receiving lets someone the chance to give. It’s the way braincells work, just like pouring water into a glass to fill it up, we can both be water and cup at alternating times

The three things that my life has taken track on.

058

I’m just waiting for the establishing shots to finish rolling, before I start my cue and walk - then some upbeat pop/rock song takes away all the city noise as I walk through waves of people in a hurry to get to work - with my coffee in one hand and a bunch of papers on the other, I walk in normal speed waiting to bump into someone, spill my drink, and start a scene.

I start with a grunt or scowl, but then the mood changes as my muscles shift to a smile - because in front of me is the one person I’ve been looking for my whole life. I can start to imagine montage sequences of us on a unique date, laughing and running and romantically staring into each other’s eyes.

With the typical apology, we start some small talk as I clean myself up - between the flood of people, the world focuses the spotlight on us for a while, our meetings delayed and our bosses are late. The world stops just in time for us to make good enough conversation, build chemistry, then walk away in continuation of our usual day not knowing that a random twist of fate shall bring us again together.

The only problem is…I’m no leading man - I’m just a guy behind the camera.

057

It’s a little too cute when you order my meal and know what my modifications are. It makes me feel that you know what I want, what I am after, and why I want it. It makes me assume that you know my basic settings like a Macbook on startup - all my preffered apps open and my utilities startup.

It’s a little too cute when you dictate my destination in the exact combo phrase I use. It makes me feel that you know where I’m headed, why am I going there, and how will I get there. It makes me assume that you know the way through me and hit dead center on the target.

It’s a little too cute when you talk about yourself too, you know. It makes me fell the same thing you’re going through with me. It makes me assume that you’re opening up on somewhat a tighter bond, a “next-level” kind of thing.

Let’s not speak too soon, though - I just find them cute as all.

056

I could still remember the first thing you did in college that made me kinda hate you a little bit: you stood up and asked everyone to introduce themselves since the professor wasn’t in yet. Then I thought, “what the hell is she thinking being all class president and stuff?” but I went along and introduced myself when it was my turn.

Then a lot has happened since, we became friends who would eat lunch together, friends who spend after school hours with, friends who went through almost every argument possible, friends who spend hours and hours drinking coffee while I smoke cigarettes, friends who go into the same thesis group together, you get the point.

I never imagined that our friendship would go so far, yet it’s just a few years in. I’m looking forward to spending more time with you, to getting drunk with you again, to getting so wasted you thought your nails were “blue-ish and grey-ish”.

Happy birthday, Bear! Miss you real bad.